I had three days off of work, and now everything seems topsy turvy. Wednesday we feds had the day off, but I took Thursday and Friday as well. Sooo glad I did. The past few days have felt like a weekend. I mean today I kept thinking it was Sunday. And so here I am on a Friday, it’s not even that late, and I’m winding down. Probably going to go into the office tomorrow and Sunday and soak up some overtime, meanwhile taking it easy and relaxing in the evenings.
It was about as mixed a week as could. Some amazingly good and some amazingly bad. There was some family stuff going on this week that really scared the hell out of me, but I didn’t want to get into it because, well, it looks like it’s going to be okay and, I don’t know… I guess it’s supposed to be hard to talk about that stuff freely.
There was some amazingly good, but I’ll get into all that later.
And then there was this page. I’ve been good about posting lately, but still I was glad to revamp things. I’d like to get back to writing things that actually feel composed, as opposed to journal entries that just ramble on and on.
It’s funny. When I first made a WordPress page it was like two years ago, and I had it in my head that I would use it as a private page to do some more composed writing. But all I did was rant about relationships and try to convince myself that I wasn’t miserable (I was going through an unhappy stretch). The tone of the posts tried to be positive, but it was clear in reading it that my head was not in a good place and that I was having trouble sorting myself out. And I tried all sorts of things. That’s what I do when I’m unhappy: I move. I keep busy. When I’m happy, I stay. I relax.
When I made this Cheshire Splat page, I deleted all the old pages. The whole damn thing. Let digital nothingness swallow it up. It felt good.
I’ve had a rule these days about eschewing negativity. Not just in trying to look at the bright side of things, but actually trying to express it. I’m not Mr. Happy Go Lucky all the sudden–like some sort of hyper-positive born again. But I sometimes wonder if the people in my life see it. I certainly see it. I found that I soon was being promoted at work and commended by my many, many supervisors (middle management at the government are legion). My personal relationships improved. I also found that I stopped getting sick as often and that sort of thing. Just by avoiding the negative, inching towards the positive.
What I could never understand is how one could try so hard, again and again, to convince themselves that they’re happy and just be miserable and be miserable, and then one day it just clicks over. Or over the course of a period it just clicks over. I wish I could understand it, but there’s just no one thing you can take it back to. No one event. If I could bottle that sort of thing and sell it in a pill, I’d be a billionaire.
It was strange reading through those old, hidden blog posts from two years ago and feeling like such a stranger to myself. It felt good to delete them and just forget about it. I don’t miss it.
Anyway. I’m rambling. Like I said. I need to get back to actually composing things. Not just rambling so often.
UPDATE: for some reason I feel compelled to mention, or perhaps to clarify, re: deleting, that I never delete my blog when I restart my blog. I still have all of my Grin without a Cat posts. Even the MySpace ones that go back years ago. It’s just this one WP blog that I abortively attempted a little while back that I was musing about here.