moving

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Got my first good night of sleep in weeks last night.  I’ve finally started to destress.  Going through the mortgage application process has felt like an unwelcome trial by fire.  In order for me to make a grab at the housing tax credit, I really had to do things last minute.  I don’t like going into something this big with, well, what seem to me like big unknowns.

Things seem to be falling into place, however.  Deep sigh of relief.

It’s a strange feeling, going through this transition.  It’s April right now, but I’m living in June.  July really.  All there is for me to do is keep my head down and keep logging extra hours at work until I get settled in.  And then:  bam!  Volte face.  Suddenly I can get back to having a normal routine.  A social life.  Free time to get back into a few things.

I’ve been bouncing around a lot over the past few years, and it’s odd.  Instead of feeling constrained by purchasing a home, I feel this looming sense of freedom.  When I look at my new neighbors, I should be afraid.  They’re like me, but aged a little.  Kids, beer bellies.  They’re happy, but they look tired.  The toll of family life is clear.

But I don’t feel headed that way.  I don’t have kids.  Hell, I don’t even have a steady girlfriend.  With this whole living situation sowed up for the next several years, I feel free to focus my attention on other parts of my life.  I can do whatever the hell I want.

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The day started with a migraine.  I don’t really get migraines, but I have had one a few times in the past.  Past, as in years ago.  So this morning, when I started to experience the early symptoms, I didn’t even recognize it.  I got showered, dressed, and made my way to work.

But as I’m driving I’ve got these spots in my vision.  I try to ignore it.  Maybe I just need some caffeine.  It’s really messing with me, though.  Like, am I not eating enough carrots lately?  What the hell’s wrong with my vision?

And man, it is like really bright out I notice.  All I drank last night was a little bit of Malbec, so I can’t be hung over or anything (lately, I’ve taken a shining to the Malbecs of Mendoza–I even like saying it.  Malbecs of Mendoza.).  But man, it is fuckin bright out.  In the mirror, I see that my eyes are almost completely dilated.

And then I park and get out, and holy shit do I feel woozy when I start walking.  And then I remember.  Spots in my vision, intense sensitivity to light, wooziness… god damn fuckin migraine.

I was not happy.  I needed to be at work today.  But when dealing with a migraine, there’s only one thing you can do:  take your pills, turn off everything, shut yourself in total darkness, and lie down.

I managed to stave off the worst of it.  I mean I think it was setting itself up to be a mild one anyway.  But, still, I lost most of my day.

Soooooooooo… why am I so stressed out that I got my first migraine in years?

I’m buying a house.  As I suspected/feared, things went quickly.  I found the perfect place.  My contract is in, I’m waiting for the inspections to come back, and in the meantime I’m working on mortgage paperwork.  Holy fuck, there’s a lot of paperwork in a mortgage!

In either case, my posts are gonna be pretty spotty for a little while.  Once I get into this place and settled down, I’m looking forward to a little reboot of the social life.  And that includes online musings and journal entries.

I had a few that I wanted to write over the weekend.  Maybe after I sort through some things here, I’ll find time tonight.  We’ll see.

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Sitting back and ruminating whistfully for a few moments here on this penultimate evening of the year, the moment doesn’t exactly necessitate declarations.  However, I am prepared to declare 2009 a pretty good year.

It started off with me in a major funk actually.  Last winter.  It was sort of inexplicable, although I think it came down mainly to being in too much of a tedious routine at work.  I was hitting up the junk food restaurants and avoiding the gym after work.  Which was a real shame because I had gotten into pretty decent shape back in ’08.

But I fixed that.  Got promoted to another division at work.  Got back into shape a bit.

I moved.  I live in a very swanky apartment that I’m completely in love with.  The mastery of my own domain has brought me a wealth of inner tranquility.  Already I’m dreading the day that I move out of here.

I went on a few vacations that were a lot of fun.  Had to take a break from that once I moved out on my own (no roommate!), but I’ll be back at it soon enough.  Next time out I need to get further from home.  I’m thinkin’ about Europe (perhaps I should resolve to brush up on my Spanish this year… or perhaps learn some French).

I dated a lot this year.  More than in most years, if not any year.  Did that online dating thing for awhile, and it was like new date, new date, new date every week.  It was alright.  A few of them lasted a little while, and each of them not working out was a shame in its own unique way.

Oh, by the way, I am no longer dating the lovely young lady I was most recently dating.  I think I had mentioned her on here.  I wish I could say that it was something I did, but she went rather suddenly from being really, really into it, to being really, really not into it.  Don’t know what to say.  We talked about it a bit during the breakup conversation, and the gist of it was mainly that she’s got too many things going on right now and can’t get her head into a relationship right now.  God typing that out right here, it just sounds trite.  Like nonsense.  One thing that life has taught me is that no matter how pure one’s intentions are going into a breakup conversation, pretty much all of it ends up coming out like nonsense.  I’ve only been on the receiving end of that conversation a few times, and I’ve learned that what I tend to do is go into super, super sweet and understanding mode.  I become Mr. Copacetic.  There’s probably a psychoanalysis session in there somewhere…. something about my mother and father’s conflicts, for sure.

Oh but speaking of being super sweet, after talking about this whole episode with one of my BFFs, the one who I can pretty much tell ANY relationship stuff to, we came up with a dating resolution for me:  be more crazy, or be more of an asshole.  Girls don’t suddenly get bored with and ditch crazy assholes.  So that’s something I can work on this year.

But enough talk of dating. Except to say that this one was a real shame. I really liked her a lot.  Nothing to do but move on and forget about it right now.

And right now I have a different focus anyway.  Being single really behooves me in these first few months of 2010.  I’ve got to buckle down and finish some things that I started here.  One of them includes working a lot of overtime, so that I can pay down a credit card.  The other involves getting back into the shape I was in not so long ago.  Actually, muscle tone wise I’m already out ahead.  I can bench more than I used to, and I hope to be able to bench my body weight this year.  We’ll see.

Just in general, though, I need more discipline right now.  I’ve been in this sort of, I don’t know what to call it, hedonistic I guess kind of mode.  I’m fine with that version of me, but I don’t want to be that version of me right now.  I need to drag out a different set of habits.

As to the rest of the coming year, it’s hard to predict.  It’s funny, not to bring up that recent breakup again, but one of the things she said was something like “my life is so hectic and transitional right now, and you’re so settled down in your life.”  I don’t really see it that way.  I feel changes in the air.  The last thing I want to do right now is buy a house, settle down, and resign myself to life as an insurance man.  I’m okay with being an insurance man right now, but I sure as shit don’t want to die one.

But, that said, I’ve got a lot to sort out.  Before I do any of it, I need to put my nose to the grind for a few months.  Once these loose ends are tied up I can start focusing on other life changes.

Anyway, adios 2009!  Please don’t feel remiss that 2010 is going to make you seem horribly lame by comparison, but yes 2010 is going to rock.

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