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Hidden Reserves

July 30, 2010 in Journal Entry by Cheshire Splat | No comments

I’ve been searching for energy lately. It’s been rough. Buying this house and working on it and the transitions at work–I’m finally appreciating just how burnt out I was getting. So the past few weeks I’ve just been pretty wiped out. If you’ve run into me, then probably that’s been pretty apparent.

But things are calming down. As I type this the asshole contractor who I’ve been fighting with is replacing the shit tile job he did in my bathrooms. This is a relief. My third bedroom is ready to go, and I may now begin the hunt for Roommate #2. This is also a relief.

I take a measure of pride in myself whenever I pull through a tough stretch, and this will count as one. It’s not epic or legendary, but it has yielded some very tangible results.

As I cool off and prepare to resume a more normal routine, there’s something I’ve been thinking about: vigor.

I miss the vigor of my younger days. I mean, one of my friends at work has been emailing me this morning talking about how crazy her week has been: staying up late, getting up early, always busy and basically running on fumes. I miss that. Well I miss some of that. I don’t really need to go back to my “4 happy hours a week plus 2-3 dance clubs on the weekend” days. But I do miss the energy that propelled me through it.

When I hit a rough patch like lately… man, it just makes me feel like an old man sometimes. I guess this is life past 30.

But I hate feeling worn out like that, so my big goal for the next couple weeks is to just be more energetic. Maybe a few tweaks to my routine. Maybe some more time in the gym or some healthier eating. Maybe just being a little more social.

And maybe that sounds a little cheesy. But sometimes this is the best thing that life can offer you: a big cheesy goal.

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Routines

June 22, 2010 in Film and Television, Home Ownership, Journal Entry by Cheshire Splat | 1 comment

Generally speaking, I’m a fan of routines.  Regular, predictable events and actions that string days together easily and seamlessly.  They empower the imagination in an inverse sort of way: I can easily imagine, for example, what my next Monday will look like.

Perhaps that thought is a little disturbing: the looming specter of the Monday next.  But really, it’s only a negative if your days are negative.  Do your days routinely suck?  Then maybe you should make some changes.  Most of my days are good, or at the least, they definitely aren’t bad.  So I’ve few complaints.

That imagined visage of a comfortable, routine day is seldom as warm as when displaced.  I get this when I go on long vacations.  At a certain point I get homesick and long to return.  And I’ve felt a little bit of that in a strange way lately.  Moving, house shopping, packing, unpacking, and constantly working on the house have me so displaced from my usual self that I’ve been longing for some normality.  I can’t stand living out of boxes.  The other night, as I was crashing, I felt an aching desire to thumb through one of my books before I fell asleep, but the book was buried in any one of a dozen boxes.  What is the point of owning books if you don’t return to them on occasion to remember their treasures?

Still, though, I’ve managed to weird myself out a little.  One habit that I never wanted to become a habit is television.  If there’s one form of background noise that I positively can’t stand it’s television.  Whenever I’m at a parent’s house, the television is incessantly blaring.  At my father’s it’s always on in the background.  At my mother’s, she and her husband are interminably glued to it.  Either way, I hate it.  I never wanted to be a “tv person.”

But one of the most annoying things about my move was that I got behind on my shows.  “My shows” see there I said it.  I’m deliberate about what I watch, and I always DVR it so that I  can skip the commercials.  But still.  I feel that I’ve become a shade of my parents in this way.

Now this isn’t a new concern of mine, but what surprised me about the temporary interruption was the realization of how important these shows are to my relaxation.  I mean, they’ve really become my decompression routine.  When I get home from an eleven hour day at the office (or even a nine hour day), I queue up one of my shows and chill out.

Partly this is good.  I’m glad I’ve found an outlet.  But at the same time, I don’t like the feeling that television is necessary.  I’d like to think that I could cancel my cable subscription at any time and with few regrets.

So this is a goal for me to work on this summer.  I want some new routines.  Routines that feel a little more active.  It’s going to be tough.  Trueblood just started back up, as did Top Chef, and Louis CK’s new show starts soon.  Oh, and did we mention Entourage?  Oh and MadMen will be here before you know it.

You see what I mean?  You see!  It’s an endless spiral.

I’m hoping to get some major unpacking done this week, and once those things are settled, we need to focus on some new routines.  Even if they’re old ones revived.

Oh, but I am still planning a fitting Treme wrap-up post here.  Both Treme and the Tudors just wrapped up.  All I really have to say about the Tudors is “Henry VIII with a conscience” sounds more like a thought experiment than basis for a tv show, but the writers made it work.  Recommended.

Treme, now.  I’ve been thinking about Treme.  And you should be watching it.  I feel guilty even calling what David Simon does “tv” anymore.  It’s just so damned good.

But more on that later.

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Declarations

June 16, 2010 in Journal Entry by Cheshire Splat | 2 comments

My home is starting to resemble a home.  I am no longer sleeping on a matress unceremoniously flopped onto the floor.  I have curtains.  I have started cooking dinner more often than getting carry out.

And yet, most of my stuff is still in boxes.  Grrr.  I’m simultaneously trying to work on the house, work long hours, and start having a social life again.  It’s rough.

I hate it when I go through lag periods on this page, so let me try to get back to regular posting.

In the meantime, here is a link that you may find amusing:

Artistic Statement Generator 2000

I’d paste mine in here, but I don’t want to ruin the joke.  It’s cute.  Enjoy.

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A Third of the Way There

May 20, 2010 in Journal Entry by Cheshire Splat | 4 comments

Sometime in the wee hours of the morning today, I marked the 33rd passing of my birth.  So, on this fine Thursday, I must wish a very happy birthday to me.  :)

I’m feeling pretty good.  I’m buying a house tomorrow, so I guess I should.  It feels nice to move from this whatever, this sort of in-between phase that I’ve been in, to whatever’s coming next.  I guess I could be freaking out about at least a third of my life being over and done with, but I’m not.  The thirties are so much better than the 20s, and they’re far from over.  I’ve got a lot of good times in store.

I actually didn’t make any special plans this year, seeing as I’m moving tomorrow.  Usually I like a low-key day off with the girlfriend on my b-day, but since there’s no girlfriend in the picture this year I guess I’ll just toast some beers at the bar with a friend.  That and finish packing.

I’m overdue for a few musical posts–there’s so much good music out this spring–but I might not get to anything until after the move.  I’ve actually got a special blog project in mind for the near future.  I like keeping this page as my occassional journal, but I’ve got an idea for something featuring regular updates that I think will be fun.  Those of you who know me will register zero surprise when you see it.  I’m hoping to have it ready come mid summer.  Maybe July.  I have to make a few decisions on how to set it up, not just page-wise, but possibly business-wise.  We’ll see. 

Anyway, happy Thursday everyone!  I hope yours is as bitchin’ as mine is.

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Decompressing

April 22, 2010 in Journal Entry by Cheshire Splat | 1 comment

Got my first good night of sleep in weeks last night.  I’ve finally started to destress.  Going through the mortgage application process has felt like an unwelcome trial by fire.  In order for me to make a grab at the housing tax credit, I really had to do things last minute.  I don’t like going into something this big with, well, what seem to me like big unknowns.

Things seem to be falling into place, however.  Deep sigh of relief.

It’s a strange feeling, going through this transition.  It’s April right now, but I’m living in June.  July really.  All there is for me to do is keep my head down and keep logging extra hours at work until I get settled in.  And then:  bam!  Volte face.  Suddenly I can get back to having a normal routine.  A social life.  Free time to get back into a few things.

I’ve been bouncing around a lot over the past few years, and it’s odd.  Instead of feeling constrained by purchasing a home, I feel this looming sense of freedom.  When I look at my new neighbors, I should be afraid.  They’re like me, but aged a little.  Kids, beer bellies.  They’re happy, but they look tired.  The toll of family life is clear.

But I don’t feel headed that way.  I don’t have kids.  Hell, I don’t even have a steady girlfriend.  With this whole living situation sowed up for the next several years, I feel free to focus my attention on other parts of my life.  I can do whatever the hell I want.

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Waxing on and on about Dating

March 30, 2010 in Journal Entry by Cheshire Splat | 5 comments

Wow, is it almost April already? Been running on E the past few weeks, and my mental energy has been directed either at crisis aversion at work or crunching financial numbers at home as I prepare to start shopping for a house. But I’ve got a minute now. There’s plenty that I could wax philosophical about from my weekend: the amazing Mexican cuisine at Miguel’s in Silo Point; the thunderous excitement of a CCRG bout; the corned beef disaster that occurred in my kitchen; the long hours I put in at the office that are building towards a down payment on a house…

But instead let’s wax on about dating.

I broke things off with the girl I’ve been seeing lately. It hadn’t gone on for very long, so it wasn’t like some sort of huge breakup or anything. You could even debate whether or not to call it a breakup when it’s only been a couple weeks, but whatever. I’ve always been a one girl at a time kinda guy, and when I want things to stop with a lady I will just stop it. I guess what most guys do is they just stop returning phone calls, and keep distancing themselves until eventually it’s either clear that nothing is going on or they summon the balls to deliver the text message breakup. Apparently, this is one of my strengths when it comes to dating. I’m not the string em along type.

Anyway, so I’ve had dating on the brain.

One of the things that I said during our little conversation was “you’re awesome” or something like it, and my ladyfriend noted that two of my contentions were counterintuitive to each other: how can you call someone awesome and be breaking it off with them?

For me it’s pretty much always like this. I guess girls, and well guys too, probably hear that a lot in breakups: you’re awesome. Or hear it played out to its trite logical conclusion: it’s not you, it’s me. But most of the time when I break it off with someone, it’s much more like: it’s not you or me, it’s us.

So in the past couple years, pretty much all the girls I’ve dated have been awesome. In one way or another. And in these breakup conversations, I find myself telling people that they really are amazing, such a catch, and all of that. And I have to wonder if they believe me when they hear it. I hope they do.

Part of being the deliberate type, the don’t string em along type, is that you also don’t date anyone who you don’t respect. So, for me to even date someone, I already have to think they’re awesome. Why would I want to date someone who isn’t awesome? And I guess I’m perceptive enough to figure that much out pretty quickly about someone. That I will say: I’m pretty good at sizing people up quickly. (Not that there aren’t those out there who don’t fool me or trip me up now and again, but…)

One of the things about this recent one is that we had a big age gap. So to hear her call me out for being duplicitous, well, it reminded me of when I was that young. Ten years ago, when I was into someone and dating them, man I was so into them. Yeah, it sounds stupid to hear someone say “you’re awesome but let’s not date” when your head’s in a place like that.

I debate how much I miss that. I miss falling head over heels for girls all the time, but at the same time I don’t miss the subsequent heartbreak. Emotionally, my life is very tranquil right now. And I value that. But I wonder sometimes if I should fear it as well. I don’t want to become too complacent, you know.

In either case, right now I don’t know if I even have the time or energy to be dating anyone at all. Which was really my main reason for wanting to be single right now. I’m not so sure it’s a good idea to be getting to know a lady when I’m so preoccupied with work at the moment.

Watch, like tomorrow, I’m gonna be in the grocery store and I’m gonna spill a gallon of milk on someone’s foot, and then I’ll look up, and there will be my soul mate….. and I’ll fuck it up because I’m trying to buy a house in two months.

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Collaborations

March 18, 2010 in Journal Entry by Cheshire Splat | 2 comments

I do so love reading David Byrne’s blog.  Here he talks about recent collaborations, sorta focused on what he’s working on with St Vincent, but then turning around and talking about collaborations in general.  I find it somewhat disheartening to see that someone over at Pitchfork was panning him for collaborating so much.  As far as I’m concerned, David Byrne has made his mark on modern music–even successful working musicians, whose albums never score below 8.0 on Pitchfork, would be so lucky as to be as remembered as Byrne will be.  Anyway, Byrne doesn’t seem to bothered by some snarky criticism, which is one of the things I like about him.  Anyway interesting read.  And as far as I’m concerned if Byrne wants to spend his later days collaborating with anyone he feels inspired to, then more power to him.

Oh, and how about this St Vincent show!  St Vincent, plus David Byrne, plus Justin Vernon, plus one of the dudes from The National!  Man I wish I lived in NYC sometimes.  I’m not even that big of a St Vincent fan, but that would have been a cool show.

Anyway, not much else to say.  It’s been an extremelly long and trying week.  Very, very tired.  Really stressed.  Had some crap go down last weekend with my downstairs neighbors, and it’s got me kinda stressed.  And work has me worn out.  Last night, I celebrated St Paddy’s day by going to bed at 9:30.  Lame!  Not that I’d have wanted to get shitty with the amatuers that take the holiday as an excuse to get crappy, but a Guiness to mark the occassion still would have been nice.

In either case, right now I must get back to work.

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“The Best Version of Me” or “A Mastery of ‘No’”

January 3, 2010 in Uncategorized by Cheshire Splat | No comments

Looking around, I sometimes wonder if I’m the only one.  People just going about their business.  Buying their groceries.  Going to and fro.  Or people hanging out, drinking a beer at the bar.  Friends even, doing the same.  A nagging impulse tugs at you:  how do these people feel about it?  It, of course, being their life.  And it keeps nagging at you:  don’t they want something better?  Don’t they want to be their best?

But of course there’s no way to know.  You pass some stranger, going about his business, as you go about yours.  How is he doing?  Is he doing everything right?  Maybe, who knows.  You look at your friend as you’re tossing back beers at the bar, and of course you’re a palindrome.  You match exactly, except for your outfits (hopefully!).  At that point one begins to question the element of judgment, and once the element of judgment has been questioned it is immediately thrown out.  No, we’re not judging anyone.  But we’ve got a devil (or an angel?) riding our shoulder, and we’re so engrossed in finding this in ourselves that we look for it in the eyes, expressions, and demeanor of others.

We are, of course, entertaining a selfish thought.  And that’s really what this is about.

I’ve always had this bug up my ass to be a better version of myself, and yet I’ve soooo many times completely failed to hit the mark.  It becomes an ongoing cycle.  I guess this is probably how it works for most people.  Or those who care to try anyway.

I’ve been slow to get myself into a motivated, productive mode here.  That’s what I’m getting at.  I need to be more selfish.

After getting wa-hay-ay-sted on New Year’s Eve (and after losing a day to the ensuing hangover), I went out and partied until four in the morning last night.  This is not me being my selfish best.  I had an awesome time.  I mean, it was a fucking blast.  But I need to be better at practicing that art of “no”.  A friend texts you, “come meet me at this bar” and you need to be better about saying, “sorry, man, next time.”

I’ve always admired that selfishness in others, actually.  I remember I dated this grad student awhile back, and sometimes we’d be out on a Friday or something, and we’d be making the rounds through our cell phones, looking for playmates.  Many of her colleagues would decline the festive invitations, instead spending the time cloistered away, hard at work on their intellectual toils.  Part of that is just the grad student’s life–really the opposite of the nine-to-fiver’s life (which I was obviously living)–but still I admired that about them.  It’s a book I should take a page out of right now.

Selfishness can be a beautiful thing.  Or a productive thing, anyway.

I didn’t get much done today.  Mostly rested and got myself ready for a month of twelve hour days with almost no breaks.  I have some very simple but difficult goals lined up for the next few months.  But I have loftier notions for what may come later in the year.  I’ll be 33 this year, and I’m tired of being beholden to my past.  It is time to dig in and shed some ties so that I can move forward unfettered.

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Wrapping it Up

December 30, 2009 in Journal Entry by Cheshire Splat | 2 comments

Sitting back and ruminating whistfully for a few moments here on this penultimate evening of the year, the moment doesn’t exactly necessitate declarations.  However, I am prepared to declare 2009 a pretty good year.

It started off with me in a major funk actually.  Last winter.  It was sort of inexplicable, although I think it came down mainly to being in too much of a tedious routine at work.  I was hitting up the junk food restaurants and avoiding the gym after work.  Which was a real shame because I had gotten into pretty decent shape back in ’08.

But I fixed that.  Got promoted to another division at work.  Got back into shape a bit.

I moved.  I live in a very swanky apartment that I’m completely in love with.  The mastery of my own domain has brought me a wealth of inner tranquility.  Already I’m dreading the day that I move out of here.

I went on a few vacations that were a lot of fun.  Had to take a break from that once I moved out on my own (no roommate!), but I’ll be back at it soon enough.  Next time out I need to get further from home.  I’m thinkin’ about Europe (perhaps I should resolve to brush up on my Spanish this year… or perhaps learn some French).

I dated a lot this year.  More than in most years, if not any year.  Did that online dating thing for awhile, and it was like new date, new date, new date every week.  It was alright.  A few of them lasted a little while, and each of them not working out was a shame in its own unique way.

Oh, by the way, I am no longer dating the lovely young lady I was most recently dating.  I think I had mentioned her on here.  I wish I could say that it was something I did, but she went rather suddenly from being really, really into it, to being really, really not into it.  Don’t know what to say.  We talked about it a bit during the breakup conversation, and the gist of it was mainly that she’s got too many things going on right now and can’t get her head into a relationship right now.  God typing that out right here, it just sounds trite.  Like nonsense.  One thing that life has taught me is that no matter how pure one’s intentions are going into a breakup conversation, pretty much all of it ends up coming out like nonsense.  I’ve only been on the receiving end of that conversation a few times, and I’ve learned that what I tend to do is go into super, super sweet and understanding mode.  I become Mr. Copacetic.  There’s probably a psychoanalysis session in there somewhere…. something about my mother and father’s conflicts, for sure.

Oh but speaking of being super sweet, after talking about this whole episode with one of my BFFs, the one who I can pretty much tell ANY relationship stuff to, we came up with a dating resolution for me:  be more crazy, or be more of an asshole.  Girls don’t suddenly get bored with and ditch crazy assholes.  So that’s something I can work on this year.

But enough talk of dating. Except to say that this one was a real shame. I really liked her a lot.  Nothing to do but move on and forget about it right now.

And right now I have a different focus anyway.  Being single really behooves me in these first few months of 2010.  I’ve got to buckle down and finish some things that I started here.  One of them includes working a lot of overtime, so that I can pay down a credit card.  The other involves getting back into the shape I was in not so long ago.  Actually, muscle tone wise I’m already out ahead.  I can bench more than I used to, and I hope to be able to bench my body weight this year.  We’ll see.

Just in general, though, I need more discipline right now.  I’ve been in this sort of, I don’t know what to call it, hedonistic I guess kind of mode.  I’m fine with that version of me, but I don’t want to be that version of me right now.  I need to drag out a different set of habits.

As to the rest of the coming year, it’s hard to predict.  It’s funny, not to bring up that recent breakup again, but one of the things she said was something like “my life is so hectic and transitional right now, and you’re so settled down in your life.”  I don’t really see it that way.  I feel changes in the air.  The last thing I want to do right now is buy a house, settle down, and resign myself to life as an insurance man.  I’m okay with being an insurance man right now, but I sure as shit don’t want to die one.

But, that said, I’ve got a lot to sort out.  Before I do any of it, I need to put my nose to the grind for a few months.  Once these loose ends are tied up I can start focusing on other life changes.

Anyway, adios 2009!  Please don’t feel remiss that 2010 is going to make you seem horribly lame by comparison, but yes 2010 is going to rock.

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Inching

November 24, 2009 in Journal Entry by Cheshire Splat | 2 comments

Everything seems to be happening at a slower pace than I would like right now.  In too many aspects of my life.

The main frustration today is my training room.  We keep encountering these hold-ups, and right now I just want to get everyone through this and to the holiday weekend.  Grr.  I don’t think anyone realizes that I’m actually really irritated.  I’ve this tendency towards the copasetic that I’ve long considered to be one of my flaws.

Two more days.  I just want to get these folks through this week.

I weighed myself the other day and clocked in at 200 pounds.  Jesus Christ man!  It’s remarkable because I have gained ten pounds, and my waist size hasn’t changed in any noticeable way.  It’s all muscle.  Or maybe it’s 8-to-2 or something, but whatever.

I feel like I’m evolving into a beefy sort of guy, and this creates mental dissonance for me.  I’ll always think of myself of this skinny, non-athletic type.  But lately my exercise has been coming together.  I think I’ve just been following a more rounded routine when it comes to lifting and cardio.

Anyway, it’s all transitional right now.  Stepping on the scale and seeing 200 makes me freak out a little, because I don’t want to turn into a big giant fatty.  So I’m gonna need to watch with it my diet over the holidays here, as I continue to trim a little padding off.

But it’s weird.  I think I’m just gonna weigh more with a full rack of muscle on my frame than I thought.  My weight is likely to stay in the 190s, when previously I thought it would be more like the 180s.

It’s strange to muse over how in my 20s I was always struggling to be perfectly fit and never quite getting there, and now all of the sudden I’m finding it easy.  Then again I’m not out drinking five nights a week and eating cheese fries at the diner all the time like I used to, so perhaps it all makes sense.

Anyway.  Sort of a quotidian sort of journal today.  I had this post I was going to write up about Ingourious Bastards and Godwin’s Law, but I didn’t get to it.  Maybe later.

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