May 2012

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Don’t date coworkers. I’ve actually learned this lesson already, but somewhere along the line maybe I forgot it. I dunno. That was a long time ago, and I was a different person back then. 

But if you do ever date a coworker, prepare for this: the awkwardness. The word has started to get around about our breakup, and I’m constantly having to re-explain it. We work in a big office, and a lot of people know us. And hell, we simply dated for awhile. People thought of us as a couple.

Along with the awkwardness comes a unique, almost Sisyphean, sort of torture: reliving the details every damn time. For me, this has been going on for a month. That’s about how long ago she first told me that she’s leaving the United States to go live indefinitely in Spain. She didn’t ask me to come with her, and she express interest in anything long distance. Besides, I know her. I know that this is to be the start of a brand new chapter for her. There is no part written in it for me.

None of which I took well. Especially when we went back and forth several times and she said that she was reconsidering. She didn’t. She’s in Spain right now, actually, laying down the groundwork for living and working arrangements. And it was strange that I had to do it–because it was very clear to me that I was the one being rejected–but it fell to me to break it off.

And now everyone at work is getting word, and now they’re asking, offering condolences, etc.

I’ve made it through the five stages, but it seems to me that they keep coming in pairs. Denial + Bargaining. Depression + Acceptance. Anger + Acceptance. Bargaining + Acceptance. Depression + Depression. Each a unique burst of emotional flavor crystals that makes me hate life in a new way. I’m hanging in there, though.

Anyway, I haven’t decided if I really want to write about it much here, but I felt like getting some of my thoughts down. This page gets stalked regularly by one of her crazy, creepy exes, and, at some point, also I’m sure her. So there’s no point in getting into it too much.

I’ve been pretty weak about being social lately. You could say that I got sucked into that relationship black hole that seems to swallow people in twos… but I think it was something a little more than that. The outpouring of support from friends as I went through the breakup was an important reminder to me, though: don’t get so holed up.

I’m working on it.

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